February Newsletter

LEARNING TO TRUST

One of the things that I’ve noticed about being in Rwanda is that I have a lot more time. My days are still composed of only 24 hours, but somehow those hours don’t get quite as filled up as when I was in the states. This was nice at first, a break from the hectic schedule I used to maintain. But gradually I began to fill up the empty hours with lesson planning, tennis, meetings, book club, tutoring, etc.

Lately, I’ve begun to wonder if I might be addicted to getting things done, to being productive, to needing to have every one of my hours and days counts for something, to seeing tangible results and changes because of my efforts and work. Not that these are bad things, but I often find myself too busy or tired to do things well. I’m often falling short of my expectations and wondering if anything I’m doing really makes a difference.

In contrast, during my prayer times, I’ve been feeling God’s call to just be with Him, to sit and listen, to put aside my to-do list of memorization, reading and prayer items and to just be in His presence. He’s calling me to stop relying on my own strength, knowledge and skill. He’s reminding me that I’m not the one in charge of the relationship and that I can’t force a “successful” time with Him through my scheduling and efforts.

If I really want God to show up and speak to me, I have to just be and stop doing. I have to just wait and listen and perhaps feel like I haven’t accomplished anything at all. After all, this relationship isn’t really about me and what I’m doing, it’s about God and what He’s doing in and through me. Sometimes the way to be truly effective is to do nothing at all, to realize how weak and ineffective I am. That is when I’m finally able to allow God to work through me and accomplish something worthwhile.